Here are some acronyms a la PM Narendra Modi, whose overriding contribution to the nation has been a stream of pithy catchphrases
PM Narendra Modi at the newly inaugurated Bhupen Hazarika bridge, the country's longest river bridge, in Assam on Friday. Pic/PTI
Give credit where it's due. In three years Prime Minister Narendra Modi's overriding contribution to our national culture has been the acronym. For instance, last week he was in Assam to inaugurate yet another project initiated by his predecessor Dr Manmohan Singh, the 9-plus-km-long Bhupen Hazarika bridge (other UPA projects 'owned' by Modi include the 9-km Chenani-Nashri tunnel linking Kashmir with Jammu; the Goods and Services Tax; and Aadhar). On the occasion Modi said that while NE stood for North East, it actually meant New Engine, New Economy, and also New Energy. Earlier this month, Modi was at an information technology function and said that IT+IT=IT, meaning Information Technology plus Indian Talent equals India Tomorrow. Having done my Bachelor's in Mathematics, I can only shake my head in dismay at his arithmetically-challenged inanity. His attempt to give us poor Indians pithy phrases reminds me of when I was a boy in America — occasionally we met an 'uncle' who would speak with an exaggerated American accent, to compensate for his weak English. Similarly, Modi's immediately forgettable acronyms seem a compensation for a paucity of deeper thought.
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However, let me not be an intolerant, pseudo-secular, liberal, jihadi commie and rain on Modi's third anniversary parade. Let me not be like the Congress Party, which has changed Modi's MODI from Making Of Developed India to Murder Of Democratic India. No. I will immerse myself in the zeitgeist and propose some acronyms of my own, in honour of the Great Leader. So what if they fall into the forgotten void like EPI (Every Person is Important), JAM (Jan-Aadhar-Mobile), SCAM (Samajwadi party, Congress, Akhilesh, Mayawati), RSVP (Rahul, Sonia, Vadra, Priyanka), the 3 AKs admired in Pakistan (AK-47, AK Antony, and Arvind Kejriwal), and the tongue-twisting acronym meant to inspire the police, SMART (Strict and sensible, Modern and mobile, Alert and accountable, Reliable and responsive, Techno-savvy and trained). No, the ephemeral joy of the acronym will not deter me.
Since the nation is caught up in the maelstrom of cow protection, to the extent that the central government wants to ban cattle trade all over the country — because, dammit, that is more important than jobs growth; and how better to forget the Rs 15 lakh that was supposed to be deposited in each of our bank accounts — there is no better place to start than with Modi's Man Friday, BJP president Amit Shah. His first name, a favourite of South Indians, could be adopted for many useful acronyms: AMIT could stand for Absolute Majority Invites Totalitarianism; Aadhar Means Invasive Technology; A Massive Illiterate Toady; Aryan Means Impotent Troll; or, About My Indigenous Toilet.
Modi's other Man Friday is National Security Advisor Ajit Doval, whose surname makes for puzzling (like him) acronyms: DOVAL. Like: Denial Of Values And Logic; Death Of Valentines And Lovers; Doctor Orders Valium, Amphetamines, Laxatives; Diarrhoea Offends VIPs And Lutyens; Delhi Ogles Valley, Admires Lahore; or my favourite, Doval Offers Vision, Attacks Lavatory.
Eminent Parliamentarian and filmic-buffoon Paresh Rawal recently made news for tweeting that Arundhati Roy be made a human shield against stone-pelters by the army in Kashmir. He obviously envies her IQ, of which his is a fraction of a fraction. The only acronym that suits RAWAL is Relentless Abuse Was After Lobotomy. (Second place: Right-wing Acrimony Warrants Ample Lampooning.)
There's the our motherland's symbol, the Holy Cow. Instead of allowing unemployed men to go around beating up cattle transporters, perhaps the government ought to take measures to deal with more worrying matters. For instance, what if bulls crossed the border from Pakistan or Bangladesh and did 'love jihad' to our cows? Would we then have to eat them? India needs protection against such dastardly designs of inimical elements. Vigilantes need to be sent to stand on the border to protect us against all bovine terrorism, and all our cows need to be registered under Aadhar. Only then will our culture be protected, and the insidious narrative of the past 800 years be rectified. To that end, we need schemes with the COW acronym: Curry Or Worry; Castrated Obese Warriors; Cowards, Opportunists, Wimps; Condemn Our Wastrels; Cross-border Onanistic Whispers; Cash Only Window; Cleaning Occurs Weekly; Crashing Of Windows10; or, Collectivisation Of Washrooms.
Lastly, where would our Republic be without the grandiose, grandiloquent, granddaddy of them all, Republic TV, starring Arnab, screenplay by Arnab, produced by Arnab, directed by Arnab, and sued by Shashi Tharoor. Here's a TV channel that needs exploding giant letters (like in action comics) covering the screens: POW, BAM, and OOF. In which case, acronyms seem a bit redundant. However, since our Great Leader has a weakness for acronyms we will not disappoint. The final acronym, aptly summing up life in India nowadays, is REPUBLIC: Reason Expelled, Polemic Utilised, Bullshit Ladled, Inanity Celebrated.
Aditya Sinha's crime novel, The CEO Who Lost His Head, is available now. He tweets @autumnshade Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com
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