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Poppy: Happy Doggie Diwali to everybody

Updated on: 16 October,2017 06:24 AM IST  |  Mumbai
Poppy |

This is the first time we pooches can finally enjoy Diwali with our humans without being hounded by terrifying smoke and explosions

Poppy: Happy Doggie Diwali to everybody

Dear Supreme Court, Thank you. You have proved yourself to be man's best friend's best friend. These past few weeks had filled me with terror as I overheard my adopted humans talk of the impending Diwali. Our alpha Aditya was hen-pecked, I might add, when Mrs Alpha demanded to know if he liked his new clothes. Diwali or diwala, he muttered when we went out for my walk. I asked him what he meant but he said, "Stop barking, Poppy". Then he apologised for quoting many an abusive BJP troll. Whatever.


Protesters set off firecrackers in New Delhi on Friday to express their opposition to the Supreme Court
Protesters set off firecrackers in New Delhi on Friday to express their opposition to the Supreme Court's ban on the sale of crackers in the capital. Pic/AFP


As I was saying, thank you, your lordships, for banning the sale of fireworks in Delhi and its suburbs. I live in one suburb, Gurgaon, but have never been to Delhi because Aditya never takes me on the Metro. He says dogs are not allowed. You'd think it's still the colonial era. I am by birth a Mumbai girl. We used to live in Sewri, and thinking of home reminds me of my siblings and mom, and makes me want to howl at a high-rise building. Hence, I request you ban fireworks in Mumbai as well.


I heard Mrs Alpha saying "Whatay relief" that fireworks are banned because now the air would not be poisonous, but instead fresh and crisp the morning after Diwali. Frankly, though I have 300 million olfactory receptors in my nose (compared to the six million in a human nose), and though I can detect some odours in parts per trillion, with the result that I devote 40 per cent more of my brain to smell than humans do, the fact is this: I'm so relieved the explosions are over, that the acrid smell the next morning is nothing more unusual than sniffing another dog's butt.

Some American scientists say the chemical fumes of exploding fireworks also stress us dogs out, but I think those eggheads are barking up the wrong tree. I confess, however, that the burnt smell reminds me of another meal gone waste. I don't mind burnt toast; I even fantasise about sneaking into the kitchen and messing with the toaster's settings. If only I had opposable thumbs! Oh well.

In any case, the smell is a trifling compared to the noise. I can't convery to your lordships how rabid I feel when the fireworks commence on Diwali evening. Hiding under the bed is of no use. There is no escaping the explosions. When my adopted older sister Cuddles was alive - she died in April of tick fever, poor old girl, and I've never seen the Alpha weep so much - Diwali was the only time we would hide under the same bed. I guess humans are onto something when they say politics makes strange bedfellows.

I suspect we doggies hear fireworks more intensely than humans. After all, humans can only hear up to 20,000 Hertz while we hear upto 60,000 Hz. Also, I've got 18 muscles in each ear flap, more than Mrs Alpha's stupid cat who keeps slapping me in the face (he's only got 17 muscles in each of his twitching ears). I can't but tremble like a leaf during those three-four hours of fireworks. I often drool, as well. Cuddles used to bark at each explosion thinking it was terrorism, not unlike our uber-patriotic business class fliers.

We would refuse to go for the evening walk because of the fireworks. Even a distant explosion was terrifying: Who knew how suddenly it might arrive? The worst is that just when the fireworks seem over for the night, some neighbourhood bully will light a string of 5,000 or 10,000 crackers that burst for five to ten minutes. And they plan it for midnight, or worse, after midnight, just to mess with everyone's peace of mind. No wonder even the mangiest street dogs are scared to hell on Diwali. The toughest breeds too - I've heard of the Alsatian who got so panicky during Diwali fireworks that he snapped his leash and ran away from home, never to be heard of again. Or perhaps that's just an urban legend.

Your lordships, I know that even though our Great Leader said he felt sad when a puppy came under a car's wheels he wasn't really talking about puppies, and thus he's actually not a dog-lover. (I suspect that like many over-dressed karva chauth-celebrating aunties in my neighbourhood, he hates dogs.) I also know that when people say the country has gone to the dogs, they don't really mean it because frankly, dogs would never demonetise without several barks in advance. We are not bound to any dog-ma! Call it dog-gerel but it comes as a relief that India's highest court has taken up cudgels on our (and the environment's) behalf. With that, your lordships, Happy Diwali!

Woof woof, Poppy.

Poppy has lived for five years with Aditya Sinha, a writer and journalist living in a suburb of Delhi. He tweets @autumnshade. Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com

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