So, what do Indian men in large clusters talk about? It’s usually about the stock market. Cricket is a big one
Illustration/Uday Mohite
So, what do Indian men in large clusters talk about? It’s usually about the stock market. Cricket is a big one. May be, the European Football League. But, it’s the Indian men in small clusters where the complexity starts, the power games begin.
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These are ‘soft voice’ conversations — grown men outdoing each other, one upmanship about who knows more, who earns more, who travels more. The chest thumping is hushed, not hollered.
One topic used to be about high-end cars:
“Boss Lucky, the Merc SELBB Class... kya gaadi hai...you drive her on the highway...you think you’re flying.”
“Forget Merc ya Chunky, the Beemer…that’s the car bro. You feel like James Bond ka baap.”
But, most Indian men, including the aforementioned Lucky and Chunky can’t really afford Mercedes and BMWs, let alone Lamborghinis and Jaguars. It ends up being superior knowledge culled from
foreign magazines rather than real usage.
French wine was once a possible conversation, but it was too tricky, too many French names to pronounce — Merlot became Maar lo or Mer lot (no silent ‘t’), Sauvignon Blanc was a non-starter.
Technology is limited in its scope of one-upmanship. Meaning the R60,000 iPhone 7 vs the R70,000 Samsung Android 7s — where’s the fun if neither has an app that enables you to see Pluto through its in-built telescope. Where’s the show-off factor?
But, there’s one topic that ticks every box. That cuts across all manner of conceit for the Indian man. And, that is the subject of Single Malt. Yes dear reader, Single Malt whiskey. The one conversation that combines everything Indian men treasure and excel at — spewing knowledge with half facts, exhibiting vanity via bank balance and travel. And, true connoisseurship.
Never before was there a purchasable item, where the value of showing off far exceeds the value of the goods by almost fifty times.
A possible conversation:
Man 1: “Boss, if you come to my house, I have every Single malt. Name it, I have Glenmcgrath, Glenturner, and the best, Glenmaxwell.”
Man 3: “Have you heard of Laiquinfinneganswake 100 years? Best bro. Totally awesome.”
Man 2: “Bro, I have Lainquinfinneganswake 200 years. There are only two bottles in the world, I have one. The Sultan of Brunei has the other.”
Man 1: “So which part of Scotland was it made?”
Man 3: “Arrey boss, Scottish Single Malt is passé, this is from an island off the coast of Wales.”
Man 4: “But, uh boss, does Wales have a coast?”
Man 3: “Haan, somewhere there, each bottle is stored in the earth and removed when the time is ready.”
Man 5: “Scottish single malts, Welsh malts…sab kal ki baat, you should have the Japanese malts boss. Best is Oshiwara 16 years.”
Man 6: “Oshiwara is nothing… last time I picked up a Yamahakawasaki... it has got the smoothness of a samurai... it is what you say, like committing hara-kiri.”
Yes, dear reader that is the greatness of Single malt — there’s no need for the Indian man to travel to the village of Dalmore or the forests of Daluaine. Any Duty Free shop will do.
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com
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