So, I missed the first US presidential debate on TV. Why? See, I'm a patriot ok. I stationed myself at the Wagah Border to confirm that Fawad Khan had indeed gone home. (There were strong rumours that he'd stayed back to attend the Ae Dil Hai Mushkil premiere.)
So, I missed the first US presidential debate on TV. Why? See, I'm a patriot ok. I stationed myself at the Wagah Border to confirm that Fawad Khan had indeed gone home. (There were strong rumours that he'd stayed back to attend the Ae Dil Hai Mushkil premiere.)
Illustration/Uday Mohite
You see, all my friends watched the Clinton-Trump debate, not because they really care who wins. But, in the next forty days, the USA may actually be in a worse political soup than us. So, since every Tom, Dick and Hariprasad is analysing the two candidates, here are my two cents worth.
See, I'll be honest, I want Donald Chump… sorry Trump to win — to keep the memes, the barbs, the jokes, the cartoons alive on the Internet. Life on social media will be so dull for the next four years without him. So, I'm offering the Republican real estate Raja my services as his image manager.
Frankly, Barack Obama is a very, very tough act to follow. He was the man's man, the President of presidents. He knew history, he knew healthcare, he knew the Hizbullah and Hamas, but more than anything he knew the power of handsomeness…and that it began with a smile. Ronald Reagan had a cowboy glower, George W Bush had a mean leer, Jimmy Carter looked perennially terrified. Donald Trump has a look that is a cross between Steven Spielberg's shark in Jaws and Gabbar Singh.
Obama has a billion dollar smile. Trump has only a billion dollars. Ms Clinton, in stark contrast, has perfected a smile, that puts Mona Lisa's in the shade. Donaldji just cannot smile. I'm sure he wants to, but he is just unable to. The first rule world leaders learn is how to smile – even when they know that their soldiers are waterboarding prisoners of war or their spouse is having an affair in the White House. No smile, no deal.
So, I'm saying, Donald bhai, you need to do two things to conquer this serious deficiency. First, don't try and smile, it makes even babies cry in panic. Don't be what you can't be. You can't suddenly welcome immigrants, or stop being racist, or start loving Mexicans.
Kill two birds with one stone. Hire a running mate, whose smile is as wide as all the rivers in the Indus treaty. Plus, elect somebody whose mere presence will destroy Hillary and her smile. Yes Mr Trump. You need to select as your Vice-President… Monica Lewinsky. Find her and hire her pronto.
With Ms Lewinsky by your side, you will get the women's vote back, you negate the female factor, and that Joker smile will win every voter's heart. And then you can deliver your master stroke — introduce your missus to Bill Clinton, better still suggest a 'double date'. That is the exact moment, when we can all say bye bye, ciao and sayonara to the Brangelina saga. And, say hello, to a new phenomenon — Billarymelania.
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com
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