• Rahul da Cunha: Lagaan 2

    Rahul da CunhaOct 30, 2016, 06:40 IST

    Illustration/Uday Mohite
    Illustration/Uday Mohite

    So I've made a film called 'Lagaan 2'. The story is this — some boys are playing a tennis ball cricket match on the Indian side of the Line of Control. (The actual LoC is marked as the boundary). Obviously, in the course of this tense encounter, a player hits a six. As one of the reserves pops over to the other side to gather the ball, he is kidnapped by terrorists.

    The ransom terms — a match will be played between an Under 19 Indian team and an Under 19 Pak team made up of members the PTL — the Pakistan Terrorist League — comprising teams like the Hizbul Heroes and the Lashkar-e-Troubadours.

    If India wins, the boy comes back safe. If the other side wins, well let me not spoil the 'kahaani mein' twist.
    Anyway, to cut a long story short, the film is ready for release, but suddenly there's a mob outside my door accusing me of being anti-national.

    Accuser 1 : India and Pakistan don't play cricket against each other, why have you broken the rules?
    Me : I haven't, the film was made in 1999 when Atal Bihari Vajpayee was sending peace buses to Lahore. I couldn't find a distributor all these years, now I have.

    Accuser 2 : We don't care, you have to change the cricket match to a kabaddi game.
    Me : But that'll mean re-shooting the entire film. I might as well then call the film 'Hu Tu Tu 2'

    Accuser 3: You have to pay Rs 1508 crore to the Army Fund for this!
    Me : The army has flatly refused any extortion money!

    Accuser 4 : Okay, forget the army, you can donate to the navy, they need to buy a second INS Arihant
    Me : But '1508 crore is the Gross Domestic Product of Uttarkhand, Tripura, Meghalaya and Estonia combined. How will I raise the money?

    Accuser 1: Mukesh Ambani is wealthier than all these places put together, ask him. Anyway, enough talk, please cough up the money
    Me : Okay, I'd like a bill please, I need a breakdown to show my Chartered Accountant in March.

    Accuser 3 : Fair enough, so it's Rs 10 crore per player, equalling Rs 110 crore.
    Me : Arrey, for Fawad Khan, Karanji paid '5 crore, why are you doubling the amount, that, too, for non-stars?

    Accuser 1 : Kashmir rate is different from Maharashtra.
    Accuser 5 : Plus coach, assistant coach, umpires, third umpires, DRS umpires, (now that India accepts it), the stadium full of people – totals Rs 1,000 crore.
    Me : Okay what's the additional Rs 508 crore for?

    Accuser 4: You have shown a poster of Imran Khan in one shot
    Me : Rs 500 crores for a poster?

    Accuser 3 : No, Rs 8 crore for the poster. Rs 500 for Sania Mirza who makes a guest appearance
    Me : But, Sania is Indian!

    Accuser : But she's married to a Pakistani. You show Indian star married to Pakistani cricketer, rate five times more.
    Dear reader, I've met all the terms and conditions — the film opens Diwali day. The name of my magnum opus is now 'Ae Film Banaana Hai Mushkil'.

    Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

    The views expressed in these columns are the individual's and don't represent those of the paper.

    Read Full Article