So, every December 31st, I make New Year promises to myself. And, every year, I've already broken them by January-end. But, something about 2016 made it a nonsensically impossible year — across the board there's been heightened drama and absurd developments… developments that have made the Adam's Family seem normal.
Here is Part 1 of my resolutions for 2017:
1. To cut down 50% of time spent on Facebook. Enough of looking at:
A. Close ups of half-eaten idlis on early morning flights
B. Badly shot selfies staring into people's nostrils
C. Messages like 'Am at Costa Coffee in Manuel Marquez de Leon Airport, La Paz, Bolivia. Anyone here?'
Because the temptation to say the following is strong :
A. Can I also see the half-consumed sambhar?
B. Think you'd like to braid that nose hair?
C. Yes I'm here but I can't see you.
And I don't want to be rude , na?
2. Secondly, I will refrain from any more discussions, debates, drunken scraps about demonetisation. Enough already. Everyone's an expert, suddenly, on economic policy. Till November 8, a collective know-all-ness was restricted to, perhaps, cricket. But today, fiscal measures, RBI thought process, note calibration – everyone's a Finance Minister/Chief Eco Advisor rolled into one. "See boss, I know… This is what Modi should have done…" "The RBI doesn't have economic acumen — I will give it to you in writing this is what should be done.
3. Thirdly — and this is ambitious — but I need to take a call on what am I going to do, dealing with the utter lout-hood of the Indian male. Sue me for saying this, but the Indian 'mard' has not proved his worthiness vis-a-vis women. He's either brazenly molesting (safe in the knowledge that neither police nor public will protect. Or, he's a boor in power, seeking his five minutes of fame, sound-byting misogynistic remarks like – 'Indian women should not wear half dress, they should not go out at night. Correct, Einstein, no women was ever molested in a sari or during the day, right? We don't publicly lash, we don't legally hang, but we lewdly blame the victim. (Arrey ya, why did Nirbhaya take a bus so late at night? She should have known better.)
So, here's my thing, no more blood boiling at this. No more arm chair solutions. You will do something this year.
4. This is not as serious as number 3, but I have to exit many Whatsapp Groups this year. Some enthusiastic people put me on the following chats -
A. Buddhist Chanting
B. Bhajans-Bahuth Khoob
C. Bollywood Jhakaas (9 Steps to Dancing)
D. Burmese Cooking
E. Building Repairs
I mean, I understand totally if I'm on a Whatsapp repair committee to figure a way to prevent my building wall from collapsing — but I don't need to learn how to make vegan Khow Suey, na?
(There are of course many smaller resolutions like, no more slapping people who call me 'Uncle'.)
So happy New Year, dear readers. Stand by for Part 2 of my resolutions of 2017. Out at the end of January.
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at email@example.com
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