Okay, dear Mumbaikars/Bombayites. So, it’s all over the news, that we have been scammed of Rs 11,000 crore — our roads have been destroyed by greedy contractors and ‘gullible’ corporations
Okay, dear Mumbaikars/Bombayites.
So, it’s all over the news, that we have been scammed of Rs 11,000 crore — our roads have been destroyed by greedy contractors and ‘gullible’ corporations. There is much hullabaloo in the press. Surprisingly, not much among the people.
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Illustration/Uday Mohite
I guess we feel the developers will go to jail, they’ll be bailed out of jail, they’ll be given the next contract, the corporations will never be held accountable. While our fair city will be scammed for the equivalent amount of the GDP of Ecuador.
Anyway, you know all this, why make you implode further with anger?
What you don’t know is the honorable Prime Minister’s office called me in a panic. Yes. Me…
“Uh sir, our PM needs your help. As you know, he has visited 32 countries in 113 days, which is a new world record. The previous holder was George Bush, but he visited the same country, Iraq, 31 times looking for WMDs and Osama.
“Now, the newly appointed Madam Prime Minister of UK, wishes to break Modiji’s record. And, she has chosen Mumbai as her first destination… in three weeks. Make it happen,” the voice barked.
Dear reader, you may ask why I was called and not one of many esteemed architects. You see, I was on the team that planned Mohenjo Daro (the city not the Hrithik movie). So, I know a thing or two about cities in ruin.
Now, we all know that Mumbai resembles the Israel-Palestine West Bank conflict zone two weeks after the rains start.
So, here’s my plan, dear city lover/ reader. We need to impress UK’s second women PM after Maggie Thatcher.
1. First things first, we promote the city as a holiday destination, but only during the monsoon — a kind of Incredible India equivalent — called Magical Monsoon Mumbai
2. For the duration of Theresa May’s visit, we temporarily evacuate all 19 million Mumbaikars to Pune. And declare Bombay a heritage site.
3. Pick an area that is completely flooded and has no hope of abatement. Say, like Chembur, that is under water even in February. Rename it Venice, hire a few gondolas, dress up two or three film extras in gondolier outfits, and voila, we say, “Mrs May, like you have Disneyland in Hong Kong, welcome to Venice in Chembur.”
4. Identify three or four areas with the biggest potholes. Andheri Link Road and Goregaon have the deepest craters. This has to be presented as the most challenging urban trek. Like walking on the moon, here on earth.
5. A few of you have experienced that the condition of some roads is so bad, they resemble a dirt track. In some cases, it is a rock formation more than a road.
We tell Madame Prime Minister and sell to Lonely Planet the idea, that in the UK you have to drive miles to Stonehenge. Here, you can experience wonderful rock formations at Sakinaka.
I won’t share all my plans. But, you can read my book — Crater Mumbai in the Monsoon — it’s for R599. Out next month. Buy two copies and get a Pokeman Go! app free.
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com
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