Ranjona Banerji: In the great scheme of things...

By  Ranjona Banerji | Mumbai | Posted  17-May-2017

Cows act as speed breakers, terrorism has been checked, note ban has ended the unorganised job sector - all govt schemes are successes

We have protected cows like anything. We have murdered and beaten up people who travel with cows like anything. UP CM Yogi Adityanath is seen feeding cows at the Gorakhnath temple in Gorakhpur on Saturday. Pic/PTI
We have protected cows like anything. We have murdered and beaten up people who travel with cows like anything. UP CM Yogi Adityanath is seen feeding cows at the Gorakhnath temple in Gorakhpur on Saturday. Pic/PTI

It's been three years since the greatest Prime Minister India has ever had became the greatest Prime Minister India has ever had. Since then, our lives have improved immeasurably. After 60 or 75 or 900 or one million years — depending on your childhood-embedded concepts of arithmetic — of misrule or non-rule, India is at last on its way to the pinnacle it deserves.

We know this because every now and then, UNESCO gives India an award saying as much. We have awards for the best national anthem, for the best Prime Minister and so on. No other country has ever received such awards. I can hear you saying that's because UNESCO does not hand out such awards but, well, what else would one expect an anti-national to say? It is another matter that some hyper-nationals do not want our current National Anthem at all, but what else would one expect a liberal to say?

Since 2014, India has progressed in a number of dramatic and wonderful ways, never achieved before except in the deep past when everyone was a proper Hindu and, therefore, everything was perfect. We have gone to the Moon and to Mars. We have protected cows like nothing else before. We have murdered and beaten up people who travel with cows like anything. We have stopped every person from getting to access their own money, especially poor people, who know that we have done it to catch bad rich people. All the rich people who ran away from India are now back and in jail.

In fact, all over the universe, governments want to start demonetisation of their entire currency because of the great after-effects — especially higher bank charges and fatter wallets for e-payment companies — on the economy. Look at Venezuela. However, because their government is not as successful as ours, they have had riots and stuff. Proving, as usual, that we are better.

There has not been a single riot in India in the past three years. No one has been killed in these riots or displaced or injured, nor has anything been destroyed. Everyone in India is living very happily with everyone else. Thanks to proper campaigns like "love jihad" and "ghar wapsi", all those pesky people of other religions have been stopped from carrying out all kinds of nefarious activities.

India's relationship with the world, especially with our neighbours, is the best the country has ever witnessed. Everyone loves and respects us a lot. Every nation is jealous of us and wants to be like us. Every sensible nation follows us in everything we do. Look at the USA and Donald Trump. Now, do you understand what I'm trying to say? All copycats. All our perfect schemes like Clean India, Skill India, Smart India, Job India and Toilet India, for instance, are massive successes. We have toilets everywhere, with and without water, because we are also trying to save water.

Our rivers are all very clean. And so are our roads. There is no garbage anywhere. This is also because all the cows wandering the streets are eating some of that garbage and also acting as speed breakers. Thus, we have achieved two or three things with one scheme.

For years, people have complained that India's unorganised job market is too big and too disorganised. That is the reason why demonetisation has been lauded because it has finished off much of the unorganised sector. Now, there are no jobs available in any market. This is a brilliant idea because it provides a rather clean slate. Jobs will be available for all, except evil liberals of course, once our premier economic institution NITI Aayog cooks up some new figures for us.

Terrorism has also been stopped by this new government, now three years old. Since 2014, we have barely had one or two or three or four terrorist attacks and we even conducted a surgical strike to fix these terrorists. Since that strike, we have barely had one or two or three or four terrorist attacks.

Crimes against women have also come to a grinding halt. Women are not raped or harassed or attacked anywhere in the country any more. Have you heard of any? Without a doubt however, the best achievement of the past three years has been the Prime Minister sharing his wonderful thoughts about life on the radio. Now, go wash your mouth and think nice thoughts.No?

Ranjona Banerji is a senior journalist. You can follow her on Twitter @ranjona Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com